Thanksgiving highlighted Love’s isolation in her foreign home. “As I looked through the window, which stood in stark contrast, I could see the vehicles lining the road in front of my neighbors’ homes, yet none graced the curb before mine,” she recalls. Her dream house failed to provide the sense of home she’d longed for since childhood.
The first weekend without her sons proved particularly challenging. “The moment when I stepped inside the house, I noticed that the empty space had no signs of life. I was stunned by the deafening silence.” After years of constant noise from five boys, the quiet felt overwhelming. Though tempted to call someone, she resolved to face the solitude: “No! If you can’t stay alone tonight, then you are going to have a hard time the next time until you go through it.”
That first night brought primal fears. “I ran upstairs as fast as I could, as if I were being chased by a scary ghost, to my bedroom and locked my door with my heart racing and pounding.” She tried desperately to fill the silence with music and YouTube videos while organizing drawers, but “the nights seemed longer than ever before and appeared to have no ending.”
The following morning brought new challenges. “‘Tick, tick, tick’ went through my ear, and everything else seemed frozen, including my mind and my body.” Without her usual routines centered around the children, she felt adrift: “Suddenly, I felt like my life had just been cut off, and there was a sense of abrupt grief and loss.”
Her isolation deepened by choice: “I did not share the news of my ended marriage with anyone back home. Besides not wanting them to worry about me being alone here with five boys, I could avoid the pressure from the need to explain to them ‘why.’” The memory of her mother’s past judgment—”you deserved it”—kept her silent.
A breakthrough came unexpectedly through her bathroom’s corner tub. “How had I never thought about bathing in this luxurious triangular bathtub?” This simple discovery opened new possibilities: “The moment I stripped off my clothes without hesitation, I sensed the freedom of being naked and not worrying about being seen or peeked at by the boys for the first time in 18 years.”
Though initially unable to relax for more than five minutes, Love persevered. “I decided to challenge myself by forcing myself to sit in the tub and set the timer for 20 minutes at a time.” Gradually, these baths became sacred moments of reflection and healing: “I spent more and more time in the warm bath by candlelight with self-healing, meditation music, reflecting on my past through memories played back in my mind like a movie reel.”
The process revealed deep wounds: “The emotions hit me right in my heart like waves in the ocean repeatedly, one after another. There were so many unbearable painful moments that brought me tears, so many mistakes in my life that I wished I could take back.” Yet through consistent practice, she found peace: “After a few months of practice, I could finally sit in the bath for at least one hour straight or even two on a snowy winter day.”
This journey taught Love the profound truth that “When I became my own best friend, I was free from feeling lost and helpless.” Through learning to be alone, she discovered that sometimes the greatest companionship comes from within.
Experience more stories of self-discovery and healing in “Grow in the Dark” by Amy Love. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google, iTunes & Kobo.
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