Great jobs for the new year: make it your project

Probation officer for Boris Becker

NAnd so he’s back in Germany, the brilliant bat-slinger and not-so-brilliant wealth manager. For his fresh start, Boris Becker needs someone who will protect him from further mishaps and show him attractive career prospects – a probation officer like you. Keep him from appearing in “Jungle Camp”, “Let’s Dance” and “The Masked Singer”, make sure he doesn’t take any tax tips from Alfons Schuhbeck or Uli Hoeneß. Encourage him to use his skills as a nutritionist and yoga teacher, which have served him well in prison. Let him develop an innovative body forming program under the motto “Prison Fitness”. The core elements are in-house circle running on ten square meters, mixed martial arts sparring with sharpened toothbrushes, the yoga position “Angry Cobra in the Police Grip” and a jailhouse cooking diet that tastes so bad that the program participants stop eating right away waive. After the triumphant marketing of this concept, Boris can join the advisory board of the national soccer team together with ex-Yogi Löw. Recipe for success for the opening game of the EM 2024: run down the opposing defense like a herd of buffalo on ecstasy, hit the ball into the goal, collect five red cards and simply breathe away the 1:6 defeat.

Anti-racism trainer at Buckingham Palace

One thing is as certain as the chime of Big Ben: the next family crisis among the royals. The calm after the death of the matriarch was deceptive; even the Netflix activities of the dissident couple in transatlantic exile foretell bad things. It’s only a matter of time before Meghan, in an exclusive interview with Peta, will denounce Elisabeth’s Corgi’s callousness towards supposedly inferior breeds, which has traumatized countless mixed breed dogs around Buckingham Palace for years. When this new scandal becomes public, Charles III. urgently your expertise: become his anti-racism trainer. Take advantage of his love of nature, let him hug black alder and talk to African violets. Persuade him to rededicate the annual Trooping the Color military parade to the Carnival of Cultures. Recommend that the monarch testify, also through personnel decisions, that he knows no ethnic prejudices: Suggest that he hire Boris Johnson as court jester despite his Turkish grandfather and immediately fire any lady-in-waiting who asks the jester where he is really from .

Image consultant for Gianni Infantino

The FIFA President is discriminated against in the most vulgar way. Not as a gay, black, disabled migrant worker (even if he feels that way), but through the constant defamation as a corrupt autocrat lackey, which makes him practically unemployable for a serious subsequent post after the end of his term – for example as Pope or UN Secretary General. That’s why Gianni Infantino needs your support: help him as spin doctor to a new reputation. Recommend the creation of a Nations Conference League, in which only teams that were eliminated in the first round of a World Cup play. Advise him to campaign for the legalization of all intoxicants, design a “Legally High” armband and suggest hosting the 2030 World Cup in El Salvador, where local drug officers will ensure security for a fee. Let him pull a Black Afghan in the box with Karl Lauterbach at the Nations Conference League game Germany vs. Qatar. In return for ensuring that Germany is guaranteed not to be relegated from the third division, Infantino can decide who will represent Germany in the next Eurovision Song Contest.