The traditional idea of a family is changing. Gone are the days when most families fit into the “nuclear” mould. Families come in many forms these days, and blended families are becoming increasingly common. Bringing together people from past relationships to create a new family unit can be exciting and rewarding but comes with unique challenges and complexities.
This article will explore the intricacies of blending families and provide tips for creating a healthy and thriving blended family unit.
What Is a Blended Family?
There’s no single definition for a blended family. Some people refer to them as stepfamilies or new families. The Australian Bureau of Statistics defines a blended family as a couple with “two or more children, of whom at least one is the natural or adopted child of both members of the couple, and at least one is the stepchild of either partner in the couple.” However, every blended family is different. In some cases, both partners may have children from previous relationships, and the children could be close in age or very far apart. Different custodial agreements might also be in place, meaning the number of family members can change depending on the day, week, or month.
Common Issues Blended Families Face
While all families face challenges, blended families may encounter some unique obstacles. Here are a few common issues:
1. Sibling Rivalry
It’s normal for new siblings or step-siblings to experience some rivalry. Children might feel like competing for their parent’s time and attention or perceive the new partner or their children as a threat. Even new partners can feel jealous of their partner’s time with their children.
2. Clashing Values
Every family comes with its own set of values, and these may not always align. What one partner considers important might not match the other partner’s views or their children’s. This can lead to tension, requiring discussions about expectations, discipline, rules, and boundaries.
3. Navigating the “Other” Family
If your partner has children from a previous relationship, you may also need to manage relationships with their original family, including ex-partners. Even without animosity, you might face challenges with the former partner’s parenting style, which can influence the behaviour of stepchildren and impact the entire family dynamic.
4. Big Emotions
Only some new family members may share the same excitement about blending families. Children might grieve the loss of their original family, feel angry about sharing their parent, or feel insecure about their place in the new family unit.
Tips for Blending Families
Research suggests it can take one to two years for blended families to fully adjust to the changes. This might seem like a long time, but these new relationships need time to develop and can’t be rushed. Here are some tips to help ease the transition:
1. Getting to Know Each Other
Spend quality time with each family member to help them communicate and get to know one another. Your children might worry about spending less time with you, so continue to spend time with them to reassure them of your love and attention.
2. Defining Parenting Roles
Explore your beliefs and attitudes toward discipline, rewards, and consequences, and establish roles and responsibilities. Discuss big parenting decisions with your partner before talking to the children. Present a united front to the kids to avoid confusion and prevent them from playing you and your partner against each other.
3. Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
Identify each family member’s skills and interests and assign them roles or “jobs” in the family. This can create a sense of belonging, boost self-esteem, and ensure everyone contributes pretty.
4. Open Communication
Encourage open and transparent conversations. Be a safe and reliable person for your child, partner, and stepchildren to talk to. Use non-verbal listening skills like maintaining eye contact and having an open body posture to show you’re engaged and care about what they’re saying.
5. Share Their Interests
Showing interest in your family members’ hobbies and passions demonstrates that you care. Ask them to share their favourite song or teach you something new.
Benefits of a Blended Family
While blending a family can be challenging, it also offers many benefits:
● Blended families provide an opportunity to learn new perspectives and build tolerance, resilience, and empathy.
● Managing complex relationships, negotiating, and sharing are valuable skills that can help in other areas of life.
● Blended families, like new grandparents, aunts, and uncles, can bring added support networks. There might be new cultures to explore and more people to lean on in times of need.
Be patient and empathetic as you and your blended family adjust to your new norm. While there may be disputes and disagreements, these will likely diminish over time as you become a solid and cohesive unit.
If you need help in the Coquitlam area, contact Victoria Ho who offers family counselling in Coquitlam.
